I continue to lament my enlightenment on the world’s size and complexity. My ability to process my desire for information has not grown more manageable but instead far worse since my first realization, prompting a larger and more tedious struggle to comprehend the material to which I have access. Simply, knowing that all this information exists only seems to make me want to find it more.
I understand full well that I cannot possibly access it all. The local university’s library, generous enough to grant me access credentials, my own university library, the local city library, interlibrary loan, online databases and music stores and random websites…I hold simultaneous thoughts on this phenomenon. I cannot get to everything that interests me…but I still want to learn about it all, in the most thorough manner possible.
Is this how people end up with double degrees, wild career shifts and ridiculous late-night ramps through libraries and religious documents, furiously aware of what they seek but entirely unschooled in the information itself? I’ve seen these kinds of furiously lost people, grasping a semblance of rigid understanding and intellectual contentment but otherwise suffering emotionally at the prospect of passing out of this life without…something.
I fear I am such. I like to think God sends me on this spiel intentionally, but grasping Him…that’s another matter entirely. There is plenty of material, factual and believable information, that would tell me to stop bothering on the prospect of a God entirely, let alone his supposed beneficial nature.
I despise labels, but I fit one pretty well- a disillusioned, knowledge-thirsty pseudo-deist.
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